"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Back to School Special

"I want to see the whole world.  I'm going to see everything," BigBoy said seriously, almost quietly, staring wide-eyed at the television.  The screen took the viewer flying over the ocean, limitless blue sky and sea ahead.
His father immediately turned to me and quietly remarked "Your Son."
For once this statement was not uttered in frustration or amusement, but instead conviction.
The moment froze for me and became an instant memory. It sent cosmic chills up my neck and down my arms.
My child shared my dream, and I realized I was not ready to give up on it yet.

Hi, my name is Cayce, and I'm a college dropout.

For years I bore the scarlet "F" for Failure.  Forgotten potential.  Foolish mistakes.

But life moved on.  I moved on.
With a loving husband and a group of supporters wrapped tightly around me like an old afghan on a cold morning, I moved on from those years.
I became okay, even happy with my station in life.
Let's face it, I can't count the number of ways I've been blessed.

But lately there's been this tugging, a nagging causing my spirit to grow restless.
I'm a grown woman with a husband, two children, a mortgage, 17 Transformers, and a hamster to care for.
Take out the first one, the big one, the husband -- and what you have left is me supporting a life I want to maintain.  A life my husband and I worked hard to get started.
Maybe it's getting close to thirty that makes me want to take full responsibility for myself.
Maybe I've just coasted too long.
But lately I've been acutely aware that my rock is really just a man.
What if something were to happen to him?  I love him too much to let all his hard work and dreams for our family go down the drain because I can't carry the baton should the need arise.  I love my children too much to let that happen.
I am a healthy, capable woman.  Why should my future be limited by own ill-conceived fears or misconceptions?
Hopefully J and I will enjoy bouncing great-grandchildren on our knees one day, but who are we to know what life holds?

Well, I do know this much:

Utility bills can't be paid with silly puns.

Gas isn't put in the car with thought-provoking quotes.

Access to excellent schools can't be maintained with excerpts from my weight-loss journey.

And I need to go back to school.

I'm not saying I will travel the globe because I'll attend a local university. And let's be honest, it will start as a local community college.

I won't be the next Samantha Brown or Anthony Bourdain, but I will travel my own path (hopefully with the hubs at my side for another 50 or 60 years) and not just be a tourist in life.

There's too much to see.  Too much to be.

I might have dropped out of college, but I never gave up on my dreams.


Daddy said...

Go for it if there is any way possible. I have had a very fulfilling life thanks to your Mother, you girls, and now, my grandchildren. There has always been one thing that nagged at me though. I have been disappointed in myself for not using my full potential. I should have finished college. It doesn't make me any less of a person, but it would have given me that feeling of personal accomplishment, had I gone on to finish. I love you no matter what, but if you can make the time, go for it.
Love always!

Kelly said...

Yes, I finished. Finally. I'm not sure I can find the vaule of it yet, but I hope that one day I will. I hope that when I finally get a job I love it's because of my degree. I agree with your dad, it does give me a sense of personal accomplishment that a job never has.

But, I won't lie, this is the worst time to be a college gradaute. The jobs are few and far between. I actually cried (literally cried tears) to a boss this morning who I've known for about a month because I don't have my "dream job" yet. I am about to go back to dreaded CVS because I just can't sit at home and wait for someone to call.

I may have the degree, but you have something that I don't and something that I may even envy more. You are a mom and a really great one. There is no degree in the world that can beat that. (also, at least you can say you dropped out and didn't FAIL out....there is a huge difference, believe me!)