"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

One Week.

One week is how long I have until I register BigBoy for Kindergarten.

I sit here not knowing what to say next because that statement in itself is very big for me.


I know I'm not the first mother in the world to get sentimental thinking about her child starting school, so indulge me a bit, please?

I know he is going to love school. He LOVES preschool and asks every. single. day. if he is 5 yet so he can go to Kindergarten.

I'm thrilled that he is a happy, healthy little -- excuse me, BIG -- boy, but I can't help but feel like on that first day of Kindergarten we are getting on a roller coaster that only ends with college and him leaving home.

Seriously? Already?
I know, I know, "get over yourself."

But he's my oldest. And he has a HUGE heart. I dread the day some girl tramples that heart, because I know he is going to be that boyfriend to save all his part-time-job money for a year to buy a heart-shaped necklace for a girl that will break up with him 2 days after he gives it to her. That kid to plaster his room with basketball posters and know the stats for every player, but never get to play.
He feels things so deeply. He always has. Instead of saying he was a difficult baby, I'd like to think he was passionate.

No. He could be downright difficult, but for now let's just say he was passionate.

Right now he is 4 years old. I can protect him in so many ways: I cook his food, I buckle his seatbelt, I hold his hand.
Oh his precious little hand in mine! I don't even have to ask for it anymore. He just reaches up and I reach down. Our hands find each other without even a look.

But I know that his heart has to be bruised, battered, hardened, and broken just a tad in order for him to take care of himself one day.

I can't be there to hold his little hand forever.

But I will hold his hand on the first day of Kindergarten.


Kelly said...

You make me cry. I love this.

cayce said...

:) I can't believe I didn't cry while writing it. It was hard not to get too gushy.
Kelly, just wait! You will have these feelings about Jordan Jr. one day!

Rachel said...

gut-wrenching, isn't it?? the thought of someone being mean to my tender-hearted little elizabeth terrifies me. but i know it will happen, and i just hope i have the right words to say (and the chance to say them) to make it a little bit better. kindergarten feels like such a huge change! i know much of it will be good, but it is definitely a bittersweet milestone. aren't they all, i guess. well, not having to swaddle any more wasn't so bittersweet...that was just sweet! :-) just think, we'll be here with katie and caroline before we know it! and then i'll really be crying!

cayce said...

Rachel, I don't want to think about a kid being mean to Biz, either! (or jacob, of course)
Don't even talk about the babies growing up and starting school!!! Just thinking about swaddling is enough to make me cry. :)
I miss you girls. :)

Gramps said...

You captured in words how I felt 24 years ago. It is hard letting go and this is just the 1st of many times you will have to do it. You just do your best and pray that God and you can raise the best kid possible. There will always be good times and bad times, but they have all been worth it. I can't imagine a life without my girls in it. We have all been Blessed! Love you.

Amber Lee said...

Oh, friend we all go through it! I was more emotional when I registered L for kindergarten than I was on the actual day. By then, she was just so ready, I couldn't help but be excited for her! She walked in and said, 'Okay, Mom, I'm ready to learn and make some friends! See you later!' And she was off! So sweet :)

I know my heart is going to break again when I have to send my two BABIES off!

Beautifully written.

Lucas D in TN said...

Hey Cuz!!
You're doing a wonderful job here. It's a shame I was just recently clued in on "Just A Curl". It seems now I can stay in the know about one of my favorite people's life despite the many miles and conflicting schedules that have seen us drift apart. I miss you. I guess I'll have to drag my happy ass to NC if I want to see you; since you've moved to ACC country and refuse to visit the common folk you left behind here in "God's Country" (what I have officially dubbed middle TN). ;)
You have been blessed with a beautiful family. I love you.

cayce said...

Luke! Aw, I miss you too! I'm so glad you are going to follow my blog now. I miss you too and I also need pics of lily asap!
Btw, you were a really cute 4 yr old boy, too. :)

Oh and I liked the "God's country" remark. :). So you.