I think I know why BigBoy's behavior has upset me so much recently. He's always been a child of extremes so I shouldn't be so surprised at this downturn in behavior. I think what I am upset about most is how I am handling the situation. I try to handle it "correctly" and with patience, but then I get pushed too far end up resorting to yelling at him and have even caught myself calling him a "brat" and a "bad boy." That's just humiliating him. I remember feeling so hurt whenever I was called a brat so I hate to think I am doing this to my sensitive child. What started as his bad behavior ends with him sobbing because his mommy has hurt him. I don't want that. At all. I don't want him to think back about his childhood and remember me as a bully. I need to really truly strive to always show him the respect that I expect from him. Yes, it is infuriating at times to deal with how he is acting but I want him to always feel loved. I don't want him to think that my love is ever hanging in the balance. HE'S 3. I'm not. I can control my words and actions a lot better than he can. I'm not saying bad behavior from him should be excused. I just want to know how to get through to him without so many negative emotions flying around.
Seeing this in print is going to help me see it as a real goal and issue. I'm not embarrassed to write about it because I would rather acknowledge it is something I am struggling with and really work on it than continue down a path that is just going to hurt my relationship with my children. As I said, I'm not 3, and I owe it to my children to do what I need to do to be a better mother. By not doing so I am just playing the victim. My life is what I make of it, not what "happens to me."